July 17, 2010

Uh-Oh. Something's astir. Last night, after I pulled into my campsite and began the laborious and useless ritual of investigating campsites for the following day(s) (online), I asked myself, "How would it be to just head home right now?" I immediately snapped my mind shut on that freak question and continued my useless pursuit.

The question nagged at me a lot, and I finally acquiesced, justifying the line of questioning by remembering that I can "try on" anything mentally, and let it go if it doesn't fit. Well, guess how well it fit? Just sitting with the notion left me with a surprisingly light and content heart. I slept on the idea as well, and it made a lovely pillow for my thoughts and dreams.

I have several compelling reasons for possibly returning home early: 1) discomforts, restrictions, inconveniences, and extra expense of traveling in the SUMMER, when we all know Corvallis is the BEST in the summer. 2)  increasing occurrences of grumbling fatigue and burnout. 3) expense. 4) my Dad's well-being. 5) difficulty painting. 6) malfunctions and breakdowns, minor but definitely added inconvenience.

My compelling reason for staying on the road: I DO NOT FEEL DONE! Not at all. There is still so much I want to see and experience.

I wonder if I returned home now, could I/would I start up again next year? Maybe do shorter segments? So much of this journey has been so glorious. How could I have let this freak question infest my brain, my heart, my sense of direction? And yet it has. I feel literally torn in two directions and I have never felt so lost.

I spent the day driving and crying, as I reminisced along the road of the wonders and joys and scrubby irritations I've experienced these past almost 4 months. To leave the road now seems like I'm "quitting." I overheard my inner critic call my inner empress a "big baby".  She's not, though. She (and one of my dear, dear friends) reminded me that there shall be no judgement here, whatever my decision. As at the onset of the journey, my heart leads the way and my body and mind have agreed to follow. Everyone shook on it.

The last good cry  for the day was at 3pm and left me with a bit of wisdom: Don't make the decision now, when I'm burned out and burning up. Drive north and find a place to cool my head and see what decision emerges. Could be something totally unexpected.

PS: I did go to Madison, WI, today, but being in such a miserable state, I didn't notice it. I could not find the place in me that holds impressions.  I'm sorry, Madison. You deserved better. I only took one photo: of ducks, like that was the one defining thing.